I want to sink into what is

A little over a week ago, I told my doctor that I was turning 40 on the 2nd. She looked at me confused.

“That’s not right, is it?” she asked.

“My birthday is on the second.”

“Yeah, but I thought you were only 38, ” she replied.

“Oh… that’s right! 40 comes next year.”

I have a tendency to skip ahead. To look toward what’s next. To miss what is right in front of my face.

I don’t want to skip over this year, this day, this moment. I don’t want to miss today’s beauty or aches. I want to sink myself into Now. To be fully Here. Who I am. Where I am standing. Today it’s with a stuffy nose and happy heart.

I want to be thankful for moments like dancing with my daughter before preschool. Thankful for waking up with a song pulsing in my veins–even if it was Daft Punk’s “Get Lucky.”

Thankful for waking up with a deep-down gladness.

I know that the world is full of tremendous hurt and scary things, but I am going to let this glad, happiness have its turn in me. I will let this bright, brilliant January sky warm up my soul. I will invite the light in. Welcome it. And then send it on its way. Praying that it will find its way to those who are finding themselves in those grey places today. I’ll be there again, needing to catch the light.

I want to sink into what is. (Even if just for a moment.) Not looking at what should be, could be.

There is a time for change, for shedding, loosening, and letting go. There is a time for walking away and for hoping for what lays ahead. But there is also a time to Just Be. Now. Who I am. Where I am.

Here. Where my feet are.

I want to be thankful for this moment.
Awake to this moment.
The one that I find myself in the midst of
with a hot mug of honey water,
the clock tick-tocking,
the sun bright on the white snow,
the sky brilliant and cloudless,
toys strewn on the floor.
This is my moment,
and I am awake in it.